I don’t know that if the fact that it is so fucking hot and humid out here makes me even angrier.
If I’m crying or about to… or maybe scream or punch a wall… I just take that damn Depakote like in an instant.
Neutral is all I get… but it’s fucking great compared to my floor and crying.
My fist hurts.
I don’t know where to cut that people won’t see.. > _>” My thigh is damaged enough for now.
So I’m now sitting on my bed with this urge to scream.
I need to drink or something.
I haven’t done anything to move my ass…
Need to get a job.
Need to start getting a degree on something.
Need a fucking job job job job.
Everyone tells me all the jobs there are available.
I can’t do any… without being scared to death.
I can’t sell items… wtf ? .. I’d say “BUY IT, please… I need some weed.”
The crippling anxiety ? No one around me seems to remember I go nuts because of it ? Like… I’m going to overcome it this time ?
I can answer phones, fold papers, scan shit, write documents…. and some small talk that will probably end up weirding out someone.
Now I need to find a job like that.
But I’m feeling nothing.
Blah, I can stand up and go out or stay here.
Usually I pick stay here.
Unless there are drugs involved.
… Or food.
I’m going to go out now and get some food, probably force a smile or two.
Where the fuck does my energy go to ?