Still on Depakote, today the dose was doubled.
I started crying again but not as often as before.
Have to keep my mind busy with trivial shit so I don’t think.
When I do think… my thoughts drown my mind and I can’t seem to find escape from them.
Thoughts of suicide again, I’m not talking to anyone about it.
I just say I’m sad and that I’m tired of being sad.
That laughing seems so fucking hard and impossible in my face.
I try to smile, be with my family… I just want to fucking cry.
I feel I’m practically not existing.
So… why bother ?
I started to… hang out (??) with a guy I went out (??) with a couple of years ago.
I am reminded once more how much of a bitch I am.
How fucking horrible I am… a friend was with us and she fucking giggles and fucking has self esteem and knows how to be a human ? … how the fuck am I supposed to keep trying ?
I can’t seem to express any positive feelings to him (or anyone) … I am afraid of getting hurt.
Not only would I get hurt… but possibly go backwards of my “progress” with this fucking condition.
So, I ask myself.
If I know I am deep in depression mode… should I try going out with someone ? or would that fuck me up even more ?
Or… Being depressed and going out with someone is just a bad idea… because no one will like a crying little bitch like me ?
Also, If I start seeing someone… When do I have to tell them about my condition ? About my past ? About my hospitalizations… and attempts.
Me: Confused as fuck.